Sending a direct message (DM) to someone you don’t know well or haven’t messaged before can be intimidating. You might wonder how to initiate a conversation without coming across as strange or ‘someway’. It doesn’t matter if it’s a dating app, there is something about DMing a girl or boy the first time that makes it tough.
Reaching out to someone outside of business is tough, and let’s be honest, it’s often easier to DM a ‘big man’ for a favor than it is to DM a woman, no?
DMing is a delicate art – it’s magical if it goes well and it’s an invasion of privacy if it goes wrong. Thank God if you get rejected, it’s a better misdemeanor compared to invasion.
No matter what you’re hoping to achieve online, initiating a conversation is always the most effective way to go about it. By being mindful and considerate in your approach, you’ll be more likely to get a positive response and achieve your desired outcome. For the purpose of this article, I will use the pronoun ‘her’ as women are disproportionately affected by this phenomenon, while acknowledging that men can also be affected.
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Before sliding into the next lady’s DM, pay attention to these etiquettes:
1. What’s the goal here? Are you trying to buy something, get advice, or just chat with this person? Figure out what you want before sending that DM. Are you into their product or service, or do you just want to connect? Knowing what you’re after will help you write a message that’s actually good and not weird.
2. Now you’ve found the purpose for being their space but before hitting send on that DM, pause for a sec and ask yourself: Would I say this to their face in real life? Am I making them (or myself) uncomfortable? If this message went viral, would I be embarrassed or damage my reputation?
Think twice, send once! Be professional, you’ll hardly go wrong with being professional.
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3. Do your homework and get their attention. One of the things to lighten this burden on the first day is research. Sounds academic or even creepy but it’s actually about showing genuine interest and even care in what they do.
Sylvia, a podcaster in the UK, says business is easier, you introduce yourself, maybe reference and go straight to the point. I would most likely respond to a person who looked at my work. Common interests, grounds make connection easy. ‘You look nice or beautiful’ is not something I would respond to.
4. When starting a conversation, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach, but skip the generic greetings like ‘Hello’, ‘Hey’, or ‘Heya’ that can come across as lazy, flat or even insincere, especially if they’re the only thing in your message. Instead, use them as a brief intro and then dive straight into the substance of your message. Think of it as a friendly hello, followed by a clear and concise purpose for reaching out. In a particular experience, I used the term ‘Charley’ on Tinder’ and got blocked, but weirdly enough, it worked out fine on Facebook and we’re still friends!
5. Keep the conversation rolling! After getting a good vibe from your initial DM, don’t let the momentum fade especially if you’re far apart and can’t meet up soon, stay engaged with occasional messages. Memes can be great conversation starters and help keep things light – just use them wisely
7. Don’t get discouraged if you don’t receive a positive response after your initial DM. People have different preferences. If someone doesn’t click with you, even your most charming messages can fall flat. On the other hand, if they like you, they might find your humor endearing, even if you’re being a bit cheeky. Timing also plays a role – you might catch someone on a bad day or during a busy period in their life. Move on and don’t take it personally.
8. Take it slow. Be friends for a bit before taking things to the next level. No intense confessions or commitment talks in the first message (or even after a month). Don’t place a video call without her permission and don’t ask for her number unless she’s comfortable sharing it – you don’t want to come on too desperate and scare her off.
9. Show respect, no insults and avoid objectification. Refrain from sexualizing them unless it’s explicitly clear they’re open to it (e.g., a sex worker). Even then, consider the context. A genuine compliment can go a long way, while sexualizing or body shaming them too or aggressively can harm the connection.
”Just greet and text, no sexualising things and I’ll respond. That’s for me. I usually respond. Once you start asking for my number after few minutes, I’ll let you know I’m more active here (Facebook) and if you persist and I don’t like you like that, I just ignore or do selective responses,” Pamela, Akosombo, says. “Approach, demeanor, your way around words, etc get someone talking to you. The most important thing is respecting the person you’re texting.”
10. Be empathetic and kind in your messages. Think about what the other person would appreciate receiving, rather than what you’d like to send. Ask yourself: ‘Am I providing value to them (sharing a funny joke, offering help, or words of encouragement)?’ or ‘Am I seeking something from them (information, explanations, or validation)?’ Focus on giving, not just taking.
Finally, authenticity matters online. This means being true to yourself in your profile, username, and the content you share. A lot of people can spot spammers easily these days and won’t engage with someone who appears insincere. Avoid using misleading profile pictures or usernames, such as images of celebrities or fictional characters as they may come across as attention-seeking or fake. Your online presence is an extension of your offline self, why fake it?
